Welp I am going to start this blog off being candid in saying I did receive a little birthday present from mother nature on December 29th, right before the new year. After miscarrying exactly four weeks prior, flo came back to town. The doctor had said to expect this to happen in 4-6 weeks and with a few mood swings that felt familiar in the days leading up to my birthday, my body returned back to normal. It was bitter sweet as it was a reminder of the family we thought we were starting. I felt both emotional and a sense of relief knowing this meant my body was “mine” again. I was anxiously awaiting this moment so we could try again in the new year. It felt like a long four months, becoming pregnant in September and going through the motions from the excitement and anticipation of becoming parents; to the sadness and grief that follows after miscarriage. Then it all comes full circle four months later and you are back at square one. In that four to six week, “waiting period,” I felt eager to have my body back so I could have the green light to try for a baby again.
A common question from those close to us has been, “Are you going to try again soon?” My answer was always a solid, “YES.” I wanted to put those four months behind us and start over ASAP! I wanted to have that joyful enthusiasm back in our household as soon as we could. I wanted to hop right back on that train to the mommy club almost as if nothing had happened. I didn’t want to lose that feeling. Side note, I find women to be phenomenal creatures as we can go through something so emotionally & physically trying with no reward at the end, pick ourselves up and try again. I know that journey is different for everyone, but in the end many of you have tried again wether it was right away or years down the road. I now understand why we can do that; we get a taste of something so beautiful and we want it back so badly we will move mountains to have it again. And we hope that it works out the next time around.
Well, we came home from an extended trip visiting my family in Florida and my feelings completely changed. Not in regards to starting a family, but the timing. And YESSSSS I know there is, “Never a right time.” But there is a better time. The reality set in that if the stars aligned, I could very well be pregnant in a few weeks and it was daunting. We finally felt as if we had a minute to be away for a longer period of time and return home with the true, “newlywed” spirit. We felt excited for a new year and a fresh start as Mr. & Mrs. Zapiain! I originally thought that fresh start would include us trying right away for baby Zapiain, round 2. The day we got home I felt my desire completely shift. It was clear that I was trying to replace what we once thought we had and it wasn’t sitting right with me. I felt I still needed to be on a healing journey for a while.
Last summer, I lost someone that was like a mother to me. I really looked forward to this baby as I was hopeful for the joy it would bring my whole family after a great loss like my aunt. I realized I still needed to process and mourn her passing. I could not replace anything with my pregnancy. That day I made a pact with myself to be so damn committed to feeling my absolute best in every way for the next six months. We decided to revisit trying again six months down the road. In the meantime, I would set intentions for the year surrounding my overall well-being. For the sake of the baby, I want to feel like my most peaceful, aligned self the next time around. My recent experience was surrounded by a lot of chaos and that is what I want to avoid at all costs this time around. I know for everyone, the timing of when it feels right to try again differs. I am simply being transparent about my own experience because it corresponds with what many of you shared with me. Moral of the story, do what feels right for YOU and your body.
This timing did not feel right, it felt like whiplash. You see, there is anxiety attached now, no matter what way I put it. When you miscarry, it robs you of having that "peaceful pregnancy" the next time around. You simply can't fully let go of worrying and being extra careful. I simply wouldn’t be able to go into my next pregnancy worry-free after what I experienced. From what I have read and the conversations I have had, it is common 100% of the time during the first trimester for women to feel angst after experiencing a miscarriage. My heart just simply isn’t ready for that. I realized I need more time to heal and that is absolutely okay. Joshua is an angel. He has told me from the day I was in the ER on that if I don’t want to try again at all, it is okay. He made it very clear there is never any pressure from him. It is comforting to have that support. But I am also not a quitter. I take rests.
I waited a long time for this, I knew I would try to start a family in my 30’s, I had a lot of things I wanted to do, places to see, and things to achieve first. I was very focused and worked diligently towards my goals for the last 10+ years and I did so unapologetically. I wanted to make sure by the time I started a family, a foundation was laid and I could give 110% to my baby. A flexible schedule and a business that could sustain itself were my priorities before taking that step. I think sometimes people confuse waiting a bit with not being keen on having kids. I ran into this assumption a lot. I LOVE children and if you know me, you know this. I have four younger siblings and I played a big hand in helping raise the younger ones. I know what it takes as I watched my mother do it all as a stay at home mom most of my adolescent years, and I wanted some time for myself before immersing myself in parenthood. I always knew once I did decide it was time, motherhood would be my life and my sole purpose for living. If I know one thing for certain, I will be an amazing momma.
If you are going through this, just know you aren’t alone and do whatever feels right in your heart. I personally feel I can be the best possible mom if I am healed and feeling like my absolute best. Healing is not linear and that journey is different for everyone. Whatever I can do to make sure my mind, body, and soul are vibe-ing high so I know I did my part; that is what comforts me.
If you ever need to talk to someone, I am here as I always have been for my girls! Thank you to so many of you for sharing your stories with me and comforting me during some very difficult times in my life this last year. Remember to take care of yourself, I am here to remind you to!