This was written on November 2nd, 2021, the day after my miscarriage. I just wrote exactly how I was feeling at that time.
This space has been a place where I’ve shared a lot of personal things over the years (this space being my facebook VIP community initially). It’s been a safe space where I never feel judged or weird telling you ladies personal things.I felt called to share my recent experience with miscarriage here. In the last few months, three long-time clients have reached out and shared their miscarriage stories with me. It was something I hadn’t personally experienced before but I was touched that women felt comfortable to confide in me and I deeply empathized. Ironically enough, just a few months later I had my own experience with miscarriage and my heart broke into a million pieces all over again for all the women that go through it. I want to speak about my miscarriage experience as it's a topic that has been very taboo with previous generations. Maybe it's my inner feminist talking as I say this but women should never feel isolation or SHAME around things going on with our bodies. Miscarriage is a pretty traumatic experience and I had no idea just how bad the physical pain can be, let alone the mental and emotional impact it has. You are hopefully for something with your partner, you think you are starting a new chapter and then it's gone. This is my own personal experience, so please just respect that. It’s different for everyone.
On October 2nd my sister-in-law pressured me to take a pregnancy when I confided in her about a feeling I was pregnant. I am incredibly intuitive with my body and I knew something was up. To be honest, I knew I was pregnant right when it happened! I took 7 pregnancy tests to be sure of it and they were all indeed positive! I was over the moon excited and it shifted a lot of things for me in an instant. We were leaving for our elopement in Mexico a week out from then & Josh was out of town & returning right before we were to leaving! I made the decision to hold the biggest secret EVER for one whole week! What better gift could I give my new husband on our wedding day (besides marrying me) than announcing, “Our greatest adventure begins.” I knew the risk involved with surprising him on our wedding day, but if it all worked out then it would be such a special thing. I was early in my pregnancy and I understood there was a chance the pregnancy wouldn’t be viable. If it did work out, what an incredible thing!
After we said, “I do,” we went up to our treehouse (at Acre) and there on the bed lay the pregnancy announcement. Joshua presumed we were just heading up for more photos, which we were, but he was completely in shock at what the center of our photos would be! Our photographers captured the whole moment on video + film for us. This was a beautiful moment in time, I will never forget it.
For the rest of our trip, we were full of anticipation for this next chapter! We spent the remaining days of our, mini-moon lounging by the pool, making plans & talking baby talk. A baby is something we have both wanted for years, we were just waiting for the right time once we were more settled. I am a woman who always knew I wanted to wait until my 30’s for both marriage and babies. We worked our way up to it, down to having baby names picked out years ago + saving special keepsakes I would collect during our travels so we could one day pass them along to our babe.
As soon as we got home from our trip, I started to become very exhausted and nauseous; the pregnancy was doing its thing (a reassurance). I had a lot to get through for the next two months with a big event in the works + my holiday drops for “Style Snob”. Let me tell you, my mom coming to town was my saving grace during the home stretch of our big event! I kept my pregnancy a secret from my mom (not an easy thing to do)! We waited for her visit in November so we could announce in person at our favorite brunch spot! Another special moment in time. I really thought everything was moving along as it should and we were telling our immediate family the exciting news one by one.
In mid November I hit a wall, I was feeling so depleted and overwhelmed with work so I did what I usually do. I escaped to my girlfriend’s place in California to get fresh air and some time by the ocean. It was while we were in Laguna Beach that I told her I was feeling like something was off. Maybe I wasn’t pregnant anymore. My girlfriend tried reassuring me that I was just feeling more energetic because I was spending time by the ocean. When I returned home to Vegas I started to feel less and less tired. I strongly felt something wasn’t right.
On November 14th, we did an ultrasound at an ultrasound clinic. I was curious and wanted to see if they could get a heartbeat. According to my calculations, I was 6 weeks along, 8 weeks from conception. They told me the gestational sac was not growing as it should be for that many weeks along. They were not able to find a heartbeat. I started to panic, questioned if they were sure, then I felt like the room was spinning. The pregnancy was not viable and we were devastated.
We had an apt. two weeks away to have everything checked out with a doctor. Because it was early on, I was told the next step was to ask my doctor for a pill to help move the miscarriage part along. I was not going to do anything like that until my apt. I processed the feelings of loss the more energy I started to get back. I was grieving the loss from the moment they determined the pregnancy not viable. A lot of people told me not to until I had that other apt, but with my energy coming back and nausea going away, I just felt it wasn’t going to happen. We both mourned the loss and I personally went through different stages of, “What did I do wrong?” and “How could I have prevented this?” I understand these are common ways to feel after this.
December 1st was our apt. date. Well, we didn’t make it to that appointment because late Saturday night, I started the actual process our body goes into when we miscarry. It was beyond brutal. I had no idea how physically painful it could be. It started with heavy cramping and bleeding around 11:30 PM and progressed with more pain. I thought the worst part was over by 3 am. I ended up spending the last hour with the painful clotting sitting in the shower because it was so heavy, I couldn't lay in the bed and I was too tired to continue sitting on the toilet. It was horrific pain and a scary amount of blood.
The next day, Sunday (also the night before the apt.), I went to bed thinking nothing super painful would happen. I was still bleeding but it wasn’t like the night before. I really thought based on what I read, the worst had happened the night before. I was wrong. I was woken up on Monday morning at 4:30 a.m. with horrible pain that worsened. The night before, I had reached out to a good friend who has been through two miscarriages. I asked if intense pain, worse than bad period cramping was normal. She said some cramping, yes- totally normal. She explained; if the pain feels like knives stabbing, NO! Well, I was experiencing what felt like knives stabbing me for about an hour and it was horrific. I was unable to stand. I was on the ground screaming and trying to breathe through what felt like contractions. At a certain point I was reaching down thnking maybe there was a mistake and I was giving birth because something larger had to be coming out of me with the pain I felt. I was trying to wait for some of the pain to pass bunot one to go to the doctor for much and I don’t frequent the ER, only once in my life when I was forced to go after a bad accident. I was genuinely scared. I felt there had to be some kind of complication if this was now 30 something hours later and I was in even more pain than my five-hour pain frenzy the night before. I was under the impression you have a few hours of period-like pain and that’s it when you miscarry.
I wanted the comfort of my mom on the phone. She is 3,000 miles away and I really wanted that comfort. I feel bad that she felt so helpless while I was in hysterics and poor Josh was upset that he couldn’t do anything to fix it. Momma called in reinforcements and sent my grandmother over. My grandmother wanted to call an ambulance but I refused. It was all very intense and I thought I was going to pass out and wake up in an ambulance regardless. I have spared many other graphic details. I started to feel maybe the sharp pains were subsiding so everyone helped me to quickly get dressed and we headed to the ER. My fear was if we didn’t go and the pain came back, I could not handle it again. I was terrified of another round.
Long story short, the intense pain continued to subside while I sat with Josh and my grandmother in the ER. I felt much more relaxed knowing I was in good hands if any pain were to come back, they could help. I felt safe. After being the uncomfortable process of being poled and prodded at, checked out and having all the tests ran the doctor said there wasn’t any remaining tissue and the worst had passed. This was a relief but I wasn’t fully convinced and feared going to bed on night 3.
I was really mind blown that this is how intense a miscarriage could be for some women. Joshua and I both said it many many times during the whole process. I thought it was going to be like a heavy period. For me, it was far from my worst period. You would have thought I was in labor and I am sure that’s what the neighborhood at 6 a.m. I’ll spare all of those details but my mom gave birth to several of her kids easier than my miscarriage went. It honestly had me rethinking kids in the middle of it all. I had so many thoughts. A lot revolved around the sadness I felt for other women. The really hard part was that you go through all of that and there is no beautiful reward at the end. Just a reminder of what could have been.
Now, I feel more empowered. The fact that our bodies go through that and we walk around right after like it's all okay? I cried for women that have gone through this at any stage of pregnancy. I felt thankful Josh was there with me because he had been traveling back and forth for work a lot. I feel so sad for women that experience this alone. That could have been me given the circumstances and I don’t take him being by my side for granted for one second. Such a sad thing brought us so much closer. I never loved him more.
As despairing as miscarriage can be, I chose gratitude and decided the only way to move forward was with a positive mind. We both trust in God’s plan for us. It doesn’t mean I won’t have sad days, but I trust the bigger picture. I want women that have gone through this to know that I see you, I FEEL you and you’re not alone. I know miscarriage & childbirth experiences are different for everyone. After my own experience, when I think back to the women that shared their miscarriage stories all of these years (including my own family members) I think, “WOW. Wow. Wow. Woooooow. My heart goes out to you a million times over! THIS is what you went through?!”
I would have been about 9 (12 weeks since conception- gets confusing) weeks today. I would have been announcing in December. I thought we would have Christmas here in our home, starting our own traditions. I envisioned myself barefoot and pregnant, cooking up pasta with, “Michael Buble Christmas” station playing. I had really high hopes. That has all changed and I am shifting my perspective to be okay with it. Our time will come.
A big part of the sadness I initially felt was the thought of, “Wow, we have to start all over, then I’ll be anxious the whole time hoping it’s viable again.” I know the universe and God always has a plan though. We had a crazy year, I’m just looking forward to 2022, no wedding to plan, no wedding festivities, no big moves, no furnishing of a home, no big events (yet) lol. I feel lighter already as we approach the new year and I am focusing on having peace so we can try this thing again one day. I can finish this year strong as I have energy back that didn’t exist when I was pregnant. I'm feeling okay in this moment.
You never know what’s going on in someone’s life behind the scenes. Be kind. Spread kindness and love. I’m spending today resting this body of mine. Trying to feel my feelings when they come and simply, HEAL.
Thank you for letting me share myself in this space. I love you ladies and I am always here for you too!